Today's Mama Monday is a well known mother in the blogosphere.
Surely, you must have read her at some point.
I have read her posts many-a-time, tears streaming down my face.
She writes words of beauty that seem to simply flow from her heart to her fingers,and onto her blog:
She knows mama's hearts.
Greatest thing about being a mom—
What would have ever taught me love like laying a vulnerable, curled human being into my arms and saying, "Here. Tend my lambs." I had known romantic love. But until that moment, I had never known primal, startling electrifying love. A love that would strip back everything, lay me bare and ashamed before myself and God, a love that would show me how little I knew about selfless, realest love.
Joy and pain are different arteries of but the same heart pumping love through our lives and these children have parented me into truest love. The kind that holds her tongue and dies to self and laughs out loud and rocks and rocks and rocks and listens to crazy boy dreams while washing the dishes and picks up the strewn shoes without saying a word and makes another meal and says yes to the glorious mess and holds on tight while letting go. Without a doubt, the six greatest days of my life were the days my skin gave way to the new skin of these half dozen.
The greatest of these really is love and they show me how everyday.
Hardest thing about being a mom—
That I am the mom. That I fail. That I'm in this skin with all of this sin and I can't snap my fingers and become the mom I want to be. The hardest thing about being a mom is that I am me and I get it wrong and the days I holler about having to pick up the strewn shoes and I do the day miserable and I am selfish and what I know in my head, may still leave my heart woefully impotent. I'm discovering that all my failures are a failure to love and that wounds these six that I love wildly.
Sometimes forgiving yourself is the hardest thing of all.
Isn't grace always the most beautiful thing? I never stop clinging to it. And I never get over it.
How do you find balance in your life—
Ah... can this be found? Or do we live in this teetering, tottering, perpetual state of seeking balance?
This is me --- seeking balance.
Intentionally, daily, actively fixing my eyes on Jesus, fixes everything. I reorient to what is eternal (not the mud in the mudroom) and I see what really matters (the priorities of things unseen.)
Living a life of prayer -- something I am very much still learning --- balances this fleeting life with all that is real reality and therein is balance. Because when we let go of our work to stop and pray, to hold on to God, we begin to see that we are but a vapor, our work not so important, and we die to the idol of self. And in the stopping to pray the hours, we exalt Him to His rightful place and give Him glory --- and everything again finds its rightful place.
I think this seeking of balance is why God asks us to pray without ceasing.
In that, there is equilibrium.
One word that describes you—
I am an insatiable seeker. Seeking for answers, seeking the right questions to find the right answers. Seeking for beauty and joy and more of Jesus. Seeking at why I stumble and why I fall and how to do it different tomorrow. Seeking the child wonder and the holy moment.
It's simple. It goes with everything. It's an understated, quiet color. It reminds me of the simplicity of the Mennonites and Amish in our farming community here and it reflects my appreciation for all things Shaker.
It's the perfect backdrop for quilts of color, bouquets of flowers, kid's paintings... and the vibrancy of life, the shades of God.
And muted shades of green. Apparently God made the earth these hues of green because it is most calmest to the human eye. So the walls of our home are all these shades of very muted, quiet, earthy greens.
In terms of clothes -- yes, black: it simply makes things very simple. And that's me: plain Ann without the "e."
I guess I am a reader and I write and I snap a shutter. These are my hobbies.
But I am working at cultivating this abiding interest in laughing, letting go, laying back and enjoying. I'd like that to be what my children would say are my hobbies. I must keep remembering this.
I couldn't live without—
Keeping Company with Jesus.
Gravel Roads and cornfields. (I tried living without them -- two years of university in metropolitan Toronto. Agoraphobia and anxiety just about killed me. Yep -- I need country and big open spaces.)
A camera and a pen. It's a real handicap -- I need a lens and ink to have seeing eyes, to discover what I think and feel, to understand the warp and bend of my life and the Hands holding it all.
And I am learning to live without babies. And this is hard. The very hardest.
What helps me through tough days---
I literally could not live without prayer. Without a means of communicating with Jesus... I would not be.
I have tough days. That are only tough days because my flesh is weak. I get overwhelmed and discouraged. I grow anxious and negative. I have to thrash for joy, wrestle God down and heave it out: "I won't let go until I can see how You've blessed me."
And talking aloud to Jesus, praying on the hour, retreating to a prayer bench or a peace retreat --- He is life to me in the very realest, most literal, of ways.
I need Jesus. Not only for eternal life. But, in the most literal sense, for this life. He resurrects me every day.
What the Lord has been speaking to you about lately—
He's been whispering it gently, to meditate on Him, and I am trying to slow and listen:
"Daughter... I manifest myself to you and I am here with you, the present, hidden God and if you pray for blessed eyes, you can see Me in this moment. Think on Me."
God has been talking to me about seeing Him in all things and meditating on Him in all the moments.
I can't stop thinking about this: "In his presence, a scroll of remembrance was written to record the names of those who feared him and always thought about the honor of his name." (Mal. 3:16)
Do always think about His name? Meditate upon Him, remember Him? God's writing a book of those who always think about Him --- and that is the only book writing that matters. My mind's thinking of something always, the things it loves --- am I thinking on Jesus?
What do you like best about yourself—
Ah. This. Ask me what I don't like about myself and let me wax on!
What I like best?
Perhaps... well, I don't know that I like it best because it too can be detrimental, but as a farmer's daughter, I was raised to work hard and this I can do. And do. Sometimes you need take your most difficult quality and make it into your strength, yes?
One book you would recommend to read--(besides the Bible)
John Bailie's Diary of Private Prayer
(Link: A Diary of Private Prayer)
If I could encourage a mother, I would say--