Weekend reads

Doing work for Jesus:

Faithful over a few things

I'm a slacker for Jesus

On friendships:
I'll be the one with the greasy hair
How to make friends

Finding "me"

In the fall of the year where I experienced depression and burn out, and had my fifth child, an unexpected pregnancy, I put my three middle children in school. I had home schooled for years by that time, home schooling my oldest until 4th grade, and then on the track to home school the little ones as well. But after that, I just couldn't do it. I needed some time to heal from the darkness and confusion that I had experienced. I needed quiet in my home to think and just "be". It was a painful decision, for I love to home school and I love having my children at home with me all day. I love the lifestyle of home schooling. For so many years, that defined me. I was*that* stay at home mom who home schools and bakes bread and talks about curriculum at ladies' nights. Pretty soon I became *that* home schooling mom who never socializes and never gets out of the home. That wasn't healthy for me.
I spent a lot of those early years of my marriage and raising my little ones in a fog. I attribute that to a lot of things. Having babies every other year, continually clawing my way out of the pit (not really realizing that), spending a lot of my days just. holding. on. until *it*(whatever *it* was at that time) passes. I was desperate for time to complete a thought. I wanted time to rest but I didn't know how. I just wanted to be able to have the time to clean out my junk drawer. Looking back, I was neglecting "me."
Christians flinch at the phrase "finding myself." And I get that. I used to be one of those Christians who waved it off. But nowhere in the Bible does it say, "Mothers must sacrifice their time, health, and general well-being for the sake of their family." I mean...does it??
During that time of burn out and re evaluating my life--everything from home schooling, to how I spent my free time, to what "friends" I had (or thought I had), to what I cooked for dinner, to what shows I allowed my children to watch on television, I read Psalm 139 a lot:

You have searched me, LORD,
and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
you, LORD, know it completely.
You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

I found comfort in those verses. They told me that the Lord knows me intimately. He *made* me a certain way. Not like *so and so* who can home school and also find time to make fermented foods for her family, while balancing on a tight wire. He made me have the desire to have quiet time amidst the chaos of my home. I tried and tried to do it *their* way, but what I needed to do was seek the Lord to how *He* wanted me to live the abundant life and how *He* wanted *me* to raise my family and care for my children....and myself.

The summer after their first full year of school, we were visiting family in Utah, and were having dinner with some family friends. Dana is a lovely woman with a pottery studio in her backyard and a gorgeous garden. We sat on her back porch and ate corn on the cob and sandwich wraps. She asked me how it was with the kids in school. I told her how great it was and how well they (and I) were doing. "You had time to find yourself, right?" she said. In my prideful days I might have flinched at that comment. But this time I embraced it because it was truth to me. "Yes, I did," I said. "I really did."

Finding "me" doesn't always mean that I abandon a way of life for the Lord. It doesn't mean I spend my time and energy away from my family to the neglect of them. It means I live a life in devotion to Him, trusting Him and listening to Him on what is best for me and my family. This could certainly change from year to year. But I don't accept a model of a life lived just because it looks good on someone else. (I am not saying I did that, but there were certain decisions I made in which I did do that.) I will keep looking for ways to "find myself". I will get lost in the Lord and embrace His plan for me. This means there is much freedom in my decisions. This means my path might look different than others. And I'm ok with that.

"If I find in myself, desires nothing in this world can satisfy, I can only conclude that I was not made for here." ~C.S. Lewis

Naval-gazing.

Sometimes I'll sit at the computer and ignore my blog. In fact, last week, I thought I should check it, to make sure it was there and all, and I said to myself: "my blog is annoying." But then there are other times where I go on my blog and I'm *proud* of the years of words and thoughts and pictures that are a tiny snippet of my life. Lots of naval-gazing*, too.

I began to think, like the author does in this post:

"But over the past few months I have become increasingly uncomfortable with what I'm doing here, largely because I'm repeating myself too often — and I'm repeating myself, I think, because of my felt need to post regularly. "

Because, really, I talk ad nauseam about experiencing burn-out and Fighting for Joy, that I sometimes wonder, is it worth talking about the same stuff over and over? Is it really worth it to keep saying it? I mean, it probably does me good, but are my readers...bored?

And from the same post:
"And you know, blogs have natural lifespans, or so I think; few of them can continue indefinitely without diminishment. Especially when they are issue-based blogs. Who wants to watch someone ride the same old hobby-horses year after year?"

I'm no Ann Voskamp. My blog is not going to continue indefinitely without diminshment.

But I think about this place as being mainly where my children can read my thoughts through some of the most challenging years of my life. And they can see how much I loved them, cared for them, prayed for them, worried for them. They can see snippets of home life. They can read me preaching to myself again and again.

I've met so many wonderful women on the Internet. As weird as that sounds-- I have! Women who have become real life friends who I take planes to visit and meet their families and cry with and eat with...

Who I send letters to and get their handcrafted loveliness.

Who encourage me on facebook, whose pins I repin on

Pinterest. (Email me if you want to be my friend on facebook!)

.....if you're ok with the naval gazing.

Related: Make it real

Thanks to Tonia for the two links in this post.
*Excessive introspection, self-absorption, or concentration on a single issue.